The impact of breast cancer on caregivers

This year more than 250,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. But millions will be affected. I tell women that although they're the ones with the diagnosis, everyone who loves them will be affected. Let's look at who is impacted and why.

Husbands/partners. Often a husband is just as scared upon hearing his wife’s words “I have breast cancer” as the woman was when she heard the diagnosis from her doctor. Men fear losing their partner, and possibly having to rear their children alone. They’re uneasy about how to take care of their partner after surgery or during chemotherapy.

And they aren’t sure if and when it’s okay to approach their partner for sexual intimacy. My advice to men: Remember that breast cancer can alter a woman’s self-image. Ask to see photographs of what your wife’s surgical incisions will look like so that you’re prepared.

It’s important for partners to get involved—for example, by going to appointments at the doctor’s office with their wife whenever possible. Be the note-taker, and serve as another set of ears and eyes. Do some research on the condition for your partner. Send e-mails to friends and family to keep them up-to-date. There will be times when you’re frustrated at having to be Mr. Mom too. Recruit family members and neighbors to help with car-pooling kids and fixing meals.

Children. Young children can be very confused by what they see happening in their home. Mommy is crying. Her hair is gone. Others are putting them to bed at night. It’s all very scary. They need simple answers and reassurance that their world will be okay and that they didn’t cause Mommy to get breast cancer.

Teens are in a different situation. They’re going through their own hormonal changes. Add Mom’s breast cancer to this and they can become more moody. Their concerns range from being annoyed that they’re asked to do more around the house to fearing that they may end up without their mother or feeling threatened that breast cancer lies in their future too.

Keep the children informed about what’s happening. Appreciate them for the extra tasks they’re taking on. Also, make sure that they have someone to confide in about their worries—a school counselor or even a therapist. And make sure they still have time in their schedule to be a teen.

Parents. No matter how old a woman is when she’s diagnosed, she is still a child to her parents. Mothers in particular can unravel at the news that their daughter has breast cancer. Parents need emotional support and instruction on how to help constructively. Their instinct may be to try to control the situation. But their daughter, an adult now, needs to make her own decisions.

Other caregivers. This is a time to rally friends, coworkers, and family. If people want to know how to help, give them a list of possibilities. They might consider taking your kids to school or band practice; making casseroles to go in your freezer; sitting with you during chemotherapy administration; or grocery shopping for you.

If treatment is a long journey, caregivers—especially those who live with you—can get burned out. So consider ways to give them a break. Your sister who has been helping you for weeks may benefit from a massage at the local spa. Treat her with a gift certificate. Your husband who has been cooking dinner every night will be thrilled to hear that Chinese carryout is now on the menu for Monday nights.

It takes many people to help a woman from diagnosis to the end of treatment. When you look back as a family, hopefully you’ll see how much closer you have all become.

Lillie Shockney, RN, of the Johns Hopkins Breast Center