When the Child Becomes the Parent

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When Janis Abrahms Spring took on the role of caregiver to her octogenarian father, she began a five-year journey filled with moments of exhaustion, isolation, and guilt. At the same time, her life was also filled with love, redemption, and joy, even in the midst of her father’s suffering. In her beautifully written memoir, Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent (Penguin, 2009), Janis takes a stark, honest look at the ups and downs and conflicting emotions that are all part of caregiving.

 

“I wanted to write a book that would give language to what caregivers experience so they would feel less helpless, crazy, and alone,” says Janis, a clinical psychologist in Westport, Conn. “Caregivers are often a silent population with feelings they’re ashamed to admit. I want people to understand that these are universal experiences.” 

 

To illustrate the point, she talks about how laborious it was for her to lift her father from his wheelchair and deal with his falls in the middle of the night. “Yet, I did love him so much,” she says. “I often had the thought, If Dad dies in the next five years, I don’t know how I’ll live. But if he doesn’t die in the next five years, I don’t know how I’ll live.”

 

Her experience began in 2000, when Janis was 50. That year, her mother died of lung cancer. Her dad, Louie, had suffered for years from a host of ailments, including arthritis, heart disease, prostate cancer, and Parkinson’s disease. His wife had always been his primary caregiver, but with her death, that role fell to Janis.

 

Louie was 80 when Janis moved him to an independent-living facility. What began as weekly visits increased to twice a week, then every other day, depending on what turns his health took. Several falls necessitated moving him to a rehabilitation center in a nursing home. Eventually, when his ailments became too severe, at age 85, she moved him to a hospice.

 

Janis’ husband was supportive, and her only brother was as involved as possible, but he lived out of state and did not have flexibility in his job. So, she says, “in an emergency, I was ‘it.’ But you need a reservoir of people to fill in. I didn’t have one. It was hard.”

 

The juggling act became so demanding that Janis was driven to distraction and had three car accidents in two years. “I was on the cell phone organizing Dad’s care, taking notes as I was driving, and my mind wasn’t on the road,” she explains. “I was so worried and overwhelmed by everything that had to get done.”

 

Yet there were many redemptive moments when, with her father’s help, Janis was able to take a deep breath. “Some of my fondest memories are of being with Dad in the park. We sat on a bench in front of a rose garden, watching the ducks in the pond. Dad was happy just to breathe the fresh air, eat a tuna sandwich, and appreciate nature. I was used to running in circles. He taught me to slow down and be in the moment, and not to assume you’ll be there the next day.” 

 

From her role as her father’s caregiver, Janis also learned lessons in the art of growing old gracefully. “One of the most important lessons I learned is to be grateful for the people who care for you—your children and others—because it can be a hellish job. With your grown kids, there are so many other demands pulling at their time. It’s really a gift to you that they come to visit, so don’t take it for granted.”